Me in the Alps in Winter 2015

Me in the Alps in Winter 2015
Not Just Surviving, But Thriving!

Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Holiday Cheer and the Holiday Ache



We are having a very low key Xmas Day, recovering from a long and involved and wonderful and delicious Christmas Eve Dinner, the big event here, cooked for us in 7 courses by very generous German friends. Along with a different alcohol for every course — whew! A true feast. I am exhausted and all I did was eat and drink and talk (but in my defense, much of the chat was in German which I do struggle to participate in).
    The Christkind, or Christ child, comes here with presents on Xmas Eve — Xmas itself is not a big day, I haven't even heard any church bells, altho it could be because the temperature just dropped (from way too high for the season) and the windows are tightly closed. The bells were thundering last night during dinner at our friend's apartment, at 6ish and then again at 10ish and then at midnight: they live around the corner from a very large church tower which is still rung by hand by extremely enthusiastic bellringers. The church, Catholic as most of them are here, is St. Maximilians and it overlooks the River Isar, and is transcendently beautiful in the fog.
Yes there is snow at Garmisch-Partenkirchen

   I miss our son more than I can say: this is possibly the unsurmountable ache that will end up making us move back (if he doesn't meet and marry a nice German girl and stay here). He's flying here on 8 Jan, and we're counting down the days! John is excited to take him out for a spin in some new BMW i3 Electric Hybrid they're working on (I think that's what it is, I forget exactly), and we'll definitely get up to Garmisch-Partenkirchen and the Carvendel mountain range so he can go snowboarding. If there's snow!
    We have a mini Cooper to drive for a week while his company is closed, so we might zip over to Austria or Freiburg, or even Italy, although it's looking like snow everywhere and we're not enthusiastic about being stuck in massive traffic backups in the snow in a mini, so...maybe we'll just hole up in the apartment. There's 20 times the number of people here than in Oregon, and that does not make for spontaneous, carefree driving, so we've hardly ever driven. 
    It turns out Munich is a wonderful place to be in the month of December! As long as you're okay with being out in the cold. Everything is lit up like crazy, lights everywhere, even on the construction cranes, but particularly beautiful in the city center. And Weihnachtsmarkts everywhere, large and small, traditional and a little wilder (artsy in the historically art neighborhoods, naughty in the gay neighborhood), even a Medieval version in the Residenz.
    Because it's so beautiful it's not that hard to work the Step 8 I use:


We became willing to attempt to unconditionally love the ways of this culture so different from the one we were raised in, but one in which we respectfully seek a home, while continuing to honor the ways of our birth country.

   On a good day, it's the most beautiful December I've ever experienced. On a bad day, I still wonder what we were thinking...

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

It's The Little Things, Good and Bad...


A Relaxed Stance of Mutual Respect 

One thing I am really enjoying about southern Germany is their obvious deep love and respect for their canine companions. Dogs here are treated very much like a friend, more than anyplace I've ever been. They are often off leash; and almost always the leash is a harness rather than around their neck. Which makes sense, because who pulls a friend around by their neck?
    Usually their human partner strolls completely at the dog's pace. I've only ever seen a person pull on a leash once since I've been here, even teenagers out walking the family dog. They just don't do it. Their kindness towards their animal companions is quite touching. I love it, being in a place where everyone treats their animals like I do.
    And the dogs are completely uninterested in other people, they are totally focused on their own person and the other dogs they come across, which they run to and play with in an uncontrolled-by-humans way, and it's just no big deal. There is NO aggression. It's really kind of mind-blowing. 
    This is part of finding out that pretty much every stereotype I've ever had about Germans has been false. They are mainly kind, calm, quiet people who can be openly affectionate to their animals and children. Interesting. I've heard the odd one yell, but that was clearly the odd one.
    My own state of mind, although much calmer than before, varies wildly between 
1) completely overwhelmed and depressed (actually only about 1/20 of the time)
2) busy being enraptured with München-ish life (1/4 of the time)
3) completely challenged by everyday things like finding chili powder (impossible) or a doctor whose receptionist speaks English (difficult) or 1000 other things that we take for granted (all the rest of the time).
    My biggest achievement in the past few days is finding a certified German/English translator who will "translate" our marriage certificate which I had to order anew from Oregon because it had to be issued within the last 90 days and had to be "apostilled" and which I must present to the authorities by 4 December. All because I kept my last name.
    I believe we have decided to stay for now. This is a 180 degree change from about a month ago, when we were looking at packing it in. J is really enjoying his job now, and I've made friends. We are still in our small apartment in a not-so-great part of town, but it has its highlights.
    I'm recovering from a HUGE hit of gluten. I missed an ingredient while reading the tiny German print on a food can label and I cooked chili with cans of tomato sauce to which they had added SEITAN (pure gluten, pretty rare to find). I got so sick, for the first time in years, very depressing.
    So, I'm staying close to home and knitting alot and now I have time to work on my book. Silver lining.


Friday, October 3, 2014

Just Be Direct, Already! (Why New Yorkers Do Better Here)


Therapeutic Mushroom Hunting in Denmark 

   Well I can't write about having fun living in Germany right now because it hasn't been anything like that lately. Just a hard slog emotionally every day. 
   So I went to see my friend Anette in Denmark. A trip comparable in distance to traveling to central California from Ashland. And slept and read when it rained and walked around quiet lakes when the sun shone. Gave myself a week off from trying to understand everything German. And a week away from the big city, which is a harder change than anything. And it worked! I came back much less worried about everything.
   Ah, the magical power of vacation!
   Meanwhile J was hitting a wall at work and was ready to quit after several non-productive meetings with his boss. It looked like we were going to give it up after just 2 months. Then some English friends sat us down for a chat and said, "Look here. You're not communicating like a German. Time to be VERY DIRECT." Which is almost impossible for an Oregonian, but he did it! And they listened! Now he's on a new team and things are going very well. And it looks like we're staying.
   Today is his 2nd paid holiday. It was a Catholic one in August. This one is German reunification day. And amazingly it's not raining! I am on my way to Dorfen, where my New Zealand friend lives. J is of course riding...he knows how to get happy and that's good.
   Of course I'm trying to be upbeat when I write these posts. But there's a whole other side to moving here. I'm working my version of Step 11 right now:


We sought through giving thanks, asking questions, and listening carefully for answers, to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power to improve our integration into our new country.

So: I'm thankful to be here. And it's okay that I'm struggling, even if you and my friends think I should be excited all the time. I am not sure 54 is the right age to do this. However I did just meet a 65 year old man last night who retired here from New York 3 years ago. He doesn't speak German, even after many years trying (a dozen). But he loves it here.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Willingness to Make Mistakes and Look Foolish

The Flowers I Deserve for Going Swimming in Deutsch with Psychotherapists

Today this version of Step 3 is guiding me:
We made a decision to practice self-love and to trust that with the help of a Higher Power of our understanding, we can strive not to take anything personally.

We just returned from our first trip out of town: to wonderful Frau B's new apartment in stunningly beautiful Schwartzach (near Bregenz), Austria, a very kind and generous friend of friends. And to party after party where we had/got to speak Deutsch (also the language of Austria, although a little different) or else sit in silence when folks weren't making an extra special effort to speak to us in their amazingly fluent (but still hesitant) English. My month of learning had the opportunity for a full immersion treatment.

So I took a vow of willingness before we left our apartment, forgave myself in advance for making many, many mistakes and (this is big) LOOKING REALLY FOOLISH, and jumped in. 


The Very Stylish Frau B



I took my baby Deutsch out for a swim whenever possible. My Iches and blumens splashed through the airwaves over and over again desperately seeking a verb to attach themselves to. And I tried to remember to put that verb at the very END of the sentence. "I must these beautiful flowers photograph." "I will today to the church at the top of the mountain climb."

Which is a whole new verbal acrobatics: the dreaded German grammar, which reduces otherwise confident people to quaking mounds of jelly. Or causes them to give up on learning the language altogether.


Cool Abstract Art and Sunlight


The Austrians just happened to be PSYCHOTHERAPISTS, by the way. Get it? Sigmund Freud was from Austria? And my first trip to Austria just happened to feature a party with a bunch of psychotherapists???? Who were friendly but not overly impressed with my cute little baby Deutsch. Particularly Florian across from me who was actually FROM VIENNA and related to emperors or something I didn't quite catch (but he was getting a little friendly ribbing about from the other non-Viennese Austrians).

Still, I could tell he was surprised when I could not only say his name "Flohw-(rolled r)ree-AHNN" but knew that it was a favorite in Bavaria. "Oh, you mean like Cafe Florian in Schwabing near the Englisher Garten?" 

What a show-off I am sometimes!

I didn't tell him that the only child I know here in Munich, currently rocking his Terrible Two's full-tilt, is named...Florian!

The Vienner (man from Vienna) and his friends shared that his nickname is "Flo," and I managed both not to laugh and not to let him know how much he wouldn't want to use that if he visits the U.S. 

(How did I manage this amazing feat? My Al-Anon mantra is currently the wonderful mini-inventory "Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said now? Does it need to be said now by me?" The answer is almost always no, particularly if my motivation is just to be clever.)


Admiring the Amazing View Before the Party


I really wanted a chance to roll out some of the bigger words I've learned like erlebnis (experience) and herausfordnerung (challenge), but I was nervous and so I stuck to Ich leben in München, etc. 

But I did manage to use one of my new favorites: pflanzliche, a word that just has it all! A P! An FL! A Z!!!! All voiced, mind you. Plus that delicious "leesh" sound at the end. And it means something cool, too: herbal or perhaps plantlike. As in, Welcome to the beautiful pflanzliche garten. The psychotherapist on my right and I decided after discussion and consultation with Google that perhaps "botanical" was the coolest definition.


The Pflanzliche Buddha Tree and the Mountains


He was a really nice psychotherapist, by the way. He claimed he was a nerd but actually he was just wearing hipster Seattle-style glasses (big chunky black frames, but no tape holding them together). John and I easily outnerded him. And yes, the German word for that is particularly easy: das Nerd.


Nerds and Psychotherapists and Good People All

My other current fav Deutsch word is manchmal (MAHNTSH-mall) meaning "sometimes." As in, Manchmal Deutsch ist ein Herausfordnerung. Sometimes I find myself sitting on the subway murmuring manchmal, manchmal... it just feels good!

And if you can't enjoy a new language (Voolay voo, anyone?), what's the point?

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Foolish and Proud (Töricht und Stolz)

On the Bridge between Knowing Nothing and Knowing Everything
Today I am Working my version of Step 7: We humbly asked our Higher Power to help us with the process of becoming citizens of another country, and to ask for and accept help when we needed it.

So, here I am, living in Munich, and teaching myself to speak German (from now on I'll try to refer to it as Deutsch) with the help of various computer programs that basically do a call-and-repeat approach to language learning. Here's the picture of the horse. What is it? It is das Pferd (remember to voice that P!). A few pictures later, here's the picture of the horse. What is it? Oh right, der Pferd. Whoops, DAS Pferd.

(Deutsch doesn't just have an equivalent of "the" before a noun. It has one of three: der, die, or das. With no discernable logic for any of them. Oh yeah, and then there's the plurals...)

It's not so different from the best of my real-time interactions with helpful Bavarians. At the shop I point to the vegetables and say "Gomuse" and the clerk/friend/stranger says "Go-mew-zuh" and I say "Go-mooze" and they say "Go-mew-zuh" and I say "Go-mewze" and they say "Go-mewz-UH" and finally I say "Guh-MEWZ-uh"! And we all smile in relief. And then I say "die Guh-MEWZ-uh" and they say, "Nein, DAS Gemüse," and so it goes.

Mix and repeat 100 times a day.

No matter how much I want to remember these words, they do not stick in my brain UNLESS I connect them to an already-existing item in that same grey zone. I can remember the (rather unusual) term for a bicycle-mounted public comment box because I'm a bike nut AND it tickled my fancy just to see it: der Fahrrad-Wünschkästen. I mean, who doesn't want one of those things?


A Bicycle Public Comment Box, of course!


But John has to remind me over and over again that einfang does not mean simple: einfach does. It's just not sticking. It's just not that einfach. (Ah, that'll do it!)

Again, mix and repeat 100 times a day.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Gratitude of Flowers


Step 8 comes in handy here: 
We became willing to attempt to unconditionally love the ways of this culture so different from the one we were raised in, as we open ourselves to receive the unconditional love of our Higher Power.

Dear people,

Last Saturday, in our lovely warm field in the village of Grünwald, before we'd even opened our 2nd bloom, we four were gently cut and gathered by two Americans who'd just ridden out of the Perlach Forst on bicycles. They seemed to be very surprised that such beautiful flowers as we were there, for anyone to cut (for 80 cents a stem deposited in the metal box) and take away. It was our destiny to go with them, and quite a ride it was.

After we all worried a bit about us drying out during the ride, they bundled us into his backpack, zippered in, and we liked that: it gave us a great view of the road ahead as we left our field and went out into the world. Who knew it was so beautiful? Castles and waterways appeared as we rode along on the outskirts of Munich, passing through the amazing green and lush valley of the river Isar.




We fanned ourselves out over the top of his head, greeting people coming towards him (who seemed a bit startled by the sight). But there weren't many people out and about on the beautiful bicycle paths: perhaps it was the thunderstorm that was obviously building (we have seen many of these in our short life in the field). Or just that we were still many miles from Munich.

Just as we were getting thirsty, the rain began to fall, giving us all a very nice long drink. His backpack began to fill up with water through the opening in which we were bundled, which was just what we needed, but the strange electronic devices inside seemed to feel differently. 

We were moved to the the back of her bike, where we rode laying down off the back of the rack for the rest of the journey. It was a different view, but still nice, and we got the full benefit of the rain for what seemed like hours.




We were leaned against the railing of a quiet bridge over the Isar Canal enjoying the beauty of dampening nature when seemingly out of the blue, not too far up, the river began to be filled with giant log rafts! Stuffed to the edges with people eating and drinking, playing instruments, and singing and dancing. They were the happiest and loudest people we gladioli had ever seen!

However, as they approached us, the music stopped and they began talking very intensely. They appeared to be bracing themselves, and some of them took off their footgear. The bridge was actually a small dam, and it quickly became apparent that the narrow opening the rafts had to fit through was actually a chute of some kind, itself lined with logs below the rushing water, and angled rather steeply! 

Have I mentioned that the water was very high from all the rain? Yes, like Oregon in the early spring, she said. The first raft approached sedately and then suddenly shot down into the chute, water welling up a foot or two above the logs, and everyone was screaming, including my people at that point.



With happiness, it turned out! Nothing in our time in the flower field had prepared us for a sight like this. Humans are stranger than we ever thought.


My people seemed to be as surprised as were to come across this wild scene in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the pouring rain. Evidently they are as new to this place as we are.

After the excitement passed, the open bridge was a great place to enjoy the vertical flow of the water, but they seemed to think otherwise. He rode with an umbrella held above his head, and S put on a raincoat, and the journey continued. 

A few more kilometers down the lovely path there appeared several big umbrellas with tables underneath them and we were leaned against a railing again, this time in the forest, while our traveling companions shook the rain off and had cups of hot liquid. There were others like them all doing the same, either with steins of beer, cups of coffee and tea, or even boxes of food. A short distance away, we heard the log rafts come and go, playing their (mostly American) music as they went.

No dogs, however, which I think was a blessing, as our position on the rack of the low folding bike (a Brompton I heard it called) definitely exposed us to the lifting of a canine leg or two.

When the rain lightened, J n S and we continued along the path, enjoying the puddles. They passed the rafts again several times, and the excitement was repeated, although this time without the pouring rain and the canopies covering up the people. Now we saw them all as they passed below our bridges. And it's true - they were exceedingly happy to be risking a full bath in the Isar!!

We crossed back to the other side of the canal right where all the rafts tied up and after some vigorous singing competitions, immediately began to be dissembled and loaded onto huge trucks. They loaded the happy people onto huge buses, as well. Some of them were so happy they lifted their skirts and peed in the forest, which we were somewhat surprised to see. But we politely looked the other way as we cycled along.

Then J n S walked their bikes up the ever-so-steep switchbacks that led up to Harlaching, a green and lovely neighborhood that borders the Isar. We heard them talking about finding an apartment here, and we agree, it would be nice. Evidently it would be a change for them, as they currently live in a place of tall buildings and no greenery. No fields for us, though, in either place: I suspect our new living arrangements will be less spacious than we're used to.

At the quiet and empty soccer stadium, we left the lovely green bike path and emerged into a world of concrete, cars, and more people than we've ever seen before. We spent a few more interludes leaned against a wall, first outside an Asian grocery store (S is looking for cheap bowls), and then outside a café (cake for J while S did something with yarn).

After entering a building and then a small cage that rose into the air (too small for our position on the bike, so we were carried upright, finally!) we were placed into our new homes: an empty bottle and a vase. Both have fine views of a very white room and more interesting ones of a street outside, as we are 4 floors above the soil, which is a bit sad for us. But there are no screens on the windows and the huge glass door is often open to the balcony, and we have been visited by various small insects who have brought us some news of the world.







Warm breezes blow through the apartment at all times, carrying all kinds of sounds. There is an opera singer next door, who practices delightfully at sensible hours, and a large, loud man across the narrow street who hangs over his balcony and hoots. At birds, we think. Cars and bicycles pass by. Other than that, the street is pretty quiet, considering the buildings are 7 stories tall and no breaks between them and are evidently filled with all kinds of people.




But enough of that. J has informed S that we survived 12 miles on the back of the bike, and so we proudly settle in, pillars of floral strength, it's true, and go about the business of opening our flowers for all to enjoy. It's a fine life.

Sincerely,
The Gladioli 
at Hohenwaldeckstrasse

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Black Cloud of Fear Behind the Excitement

Hello dear Jamie!
Well, I cried when I got your letter and saw the picture of Stormy. Yesterday I couldn't see how I ever thought this was a good idea. Very challenging. I miss you all so very much. A trip is one thing, but staying here so far from everyone...what was I thinking???
One of the many things I've learned in 12 Step: Never make a decision at 3 am or when you haven't slept. Well, by yesterday morning I hadn't slept in quite a while. The last days in Ashland were unbelievably stressful. We visited with the parents of our friend who died suddenly the day before we left, which was excruciating. And the jet lag has hit me really hard this time. 
On the Gravel Beach at the Beautiful Isar in Munich
We spent yesterday (Sunday) riding around the forested river Isar, sitting at a cafe and a biergarten drinking shorlas (half water, half juice or wine), and going to an outdoor Fair/Market called the Auer Dult, kind of a traditional Bavarian place to buy stuff and see your neighbors/family. We even went on the tram successfully! On the surface a beautiful day in a beautiful place, with my beloved companion. But all the time in the back of my mind was this horrible black cloud of fear that I'd left everyone I love behind and I'd forget to think about it for a while but then I'd feel it again and sink deep into total fear. 
Thank HP for the Serenity Prayer. It got me through. One hour at a time.
That, and gratitude. Just remembering all I have to be thankful for is the best tonic ever. Thank you, thank you to Alanon for teaching me that!
Now I just woke up from a really long night's sleep, with only a 2 hour break in the middle, and I'm feeling much better. It's a sunny Monday, J just left for his first day at work (oh yes, he was nervous but he is so brave), and I must unpack. I've been wearing the same clothes for days. :)
But first: read the books! August 4: H for T: yep, good stuff! C to C: deep breath, so wise. I'll write this one out and send it to J for his stressful day today.

from Courage to Change 4 August

I can certainly learn from criticism, and I want to remain open to hearing what others have to say, but neither my popularity nor my ability to please those I live and work with are legitimate measures of my worth as an individual. Al-Anon helps me to recognize that I have value simply because I breathe the breath of humanity. As I gain self-esteem, I find it easier to evaluate my behavior more realistically.
The support I get in Alanon helps me to find the courage to learn about myself. As I come to feel at home with myself and my values, my likes and dislikes, my dreams and choices, I am increasingly able to risk other people's disapproval. I am equally able to honor others when they choose to be themselves, whether or not I like what I see.

Today's Reminder
With the help of a loving Sponsor and the support of my fellow Al-Anon members, I am learning to find my place in this world - a place where I can live with dignity and self-respect.

"I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware I sit content, and if each and all be aware I sit content." Walt Whitman

That Walt, he's still so rad!

love ya