Hello dear Jamie!
Well, I cried when I got your letter and saw the picture of Stormy. Yesterday I couldn't see how I ever thought this was a good idea. Very challenging. I miss you all so very much. A trip is one thing, but staying here so far from everyone...what was I thinking???
One of the many things I've learned in 12 Step: Never make a decision at 3 am or when you haven't slept. Well, by yesterday morning I hadn't slept in quite a while. The last days in Ashland were unbelievably stressful. We visited with the parents of our friend who died suddenly the day before we left, which was excruciating. And the jet lag has hit me really hard this time.
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| On the Gravel Beach at the Beautiful Isar in Munich |
We spent yesterday (Sunday) riding around the forested river Isar, sitting at a cafe and a biergarten drinking shorlas (half water, half juice or wine), and going to an outdoor Fair/Market called the Auer Dult, kind of a traditional Bavarian place to buy stuff and see your neighbors/family. We even went on the tram successfully! On the surface a beautiful day in a beautiful place, with my beloved companion. But all the time in the back of my mind was this horrible black cloud of fear that I'd left everyone I love behind and I'd forget to think about it for a while but then I'd feel it again and sink deep into total fear.
Thank HP for the Serenity Prayer. It got me through. One hour at a time.
That, and gratitude. Just remembering all I have to be thankful for is the best tonic ever. Thank you, thank you to Alanon for teaching me that!
Now I just woke up from a really long night's sleep, with only a 2 hour break in the middle, and I'm feeling much better. It's a sunny Monday, J just left for his first day at work (oh yes, he was nervous but he is so brave), and I must unpack. I've been wearing the same clothes for days. :)
But first: read the books! August 4: H for T: yep, good stuff! C to C: deep breath, so wise. I'll write this one out and send it to J for his stressful day today.
from Courage to Change 4 August
I can certainly learn from criticism, and I want to remain open to hearing what others have to say, but neither my popularity nor my ability to please those I live and work with are legitimate measures of my worth as an individual. Al-Anon helps me to recognize that I have value simply because I breathe the breath of humanity. As I gain self-esteem, I find it easier to evaluate my behavior more realistically.
The support I get in Alanon helps me to find the courage to learn about myself. As I come to feel at home with myself and my values, my likes and dislikes, my dreams and choices, I am increasingly able to risk other people's disapproval. I am equally able to honor others when they choose to be themselves, whether or not I like what I see.
Today's Reminder
With the help of a loving Sponsor and the support of my fellow Al-Anon members, I am learning to find my place in this world - a place where I can live with dignity and self-respect.
"I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware I sit content, and if each and all be aware I sit content." Walt Whitman
That Walt, he's still so rad!
love ya
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