The Holiday Cheer and the Holiday Ache

We are having a very low key Xmas Day, recovering from a long and involved and wonderful and delicious Christmas Eve Dinner, the big event here, cooked for us in 7 courses by very generous German friends. Along with a different alcohol for every course — whew! A true feast. I am exhausted and all I did was eat and drink and talk (but in my defense, much of the chat was in German which I do struggle to participate in).
    The Christkind, or Christ child, comes here with presents on Xmas Eve — Xmas itself is not a big day, I haven't even heard any church bells, altho it could be because the temperature just dropped (from way too high for the season) and the windows are tightly closed. The bells were thundering last night during dinner at our friend's apartment, at 6ish and then again at 10ish and then at midnight: they live around the corner from a very large church tower which is still rung by hand by extremely enthusiastic bellringers. The church, Catholic as most of them are here, is St. Maximilians and it overlooks the River Isar, and is transcendently beautiful in the fog.

Yes there is snow at Garmisch-Partenkirchen

   I miss our son more than I can say: this is possibly the unsurmountable ache that will end up making us move back (if he doesn't meet and marry a nice German girl and stay here). He's flying here on 8 Jan, and we're counting down the days! John is excited to take him out for a spin in some new BMW i3 Electric Hybrid they're working on (I think that's what it is, I forget exactly), and we'll definitely get up to Garmisch-Partenkirchen and the Carvendel mountain range so he can go snowboarding. If there's snow!
    We have a mini Cooper to drive for a week while his company is closed, so we might zip over to Austria or Freiburg, or even Italy, although it's looking like snow everywhere and we're not enthusiastic about being stuck in massive traffic backups in the snow in a mini, so...maybe we'll just hole up in the apartment. There's 20 times the number of people here than in Oregon, and that does not make for spontaneous, carefree driving, so we've hardly ever driven. 
    It turns out Munich is a wonderful place to be in the month of December! As long as you're okay with being out in the cold. Everything is lit up like crazy, lights everywhere, even on the construction cranes, but particularly beautiful in the city center. And Weihnachtsmarkts everywhere, large and small, traditional and a little wilder (artsy in the historically art neighborhoods, naughty in the gay neighborhood), even a Medieval version in the Residenz.
    Because it's so beautiful it's not that hard to work the Step 8 I use:

We became willing to attempt to unconditionally love the ways of this culture so different from the one we were raised in, but one in which we respectfully seek a home, while continuing to honor the ways of our birth country.

   On a good day, it's the most beautiful December I've ever experienced. On a bad day, I still wonder what we were thinking...

The Black Cloud of Fear Behind the Excitement

Hello dear Jamie!

Well, I cried when I got your letter and saw the picture of Stormy. Yesterday I couldn't see how I ever thought this was a good idea. Very challenging. I miss you all so very much. A trip is one thing, but staying here so far from everyone...what was I thinking???

One of the many things I've learned in 12 Step: Never make a decision at 3 am or when you haven't slept. Well, by yesterday morning I hadn't slept in quite a while. The last days in Ashland were unbelievably stressful. We visited with the parents of our friend who died suddenly the day before we left, which was excruciating. And the jet lag has hit me really hard this time. 

On the Gravel Beach at the Beautiful Isar in Munich

We spent yesterday (Sunday) riding around the forested river Isar, sitting at a cafe and a biergarten drinking shorlas (half water, half juice or wine), and going to an outdoor Fair/Market called the Auer Dult, kind of a traditional Bavarian place to buy stuff and see your neighbors/family. We even went on the tram successfully! On the surface a beautiful day in a beautiful place, with my beloved companion. But all the time in the back of my mind was this horrible black cloud of fear that I'd left everyone I love behind and I'd forget to think about it for a while but then I'd feel it again and sink deep into total fear. 

Thank HP for the Serenity Prayer. It got me through. One hour at a time.

That, and gratitude. Just remembering all I have to be thankful for is the best tonic ever. Thank you, thank you to Alanon for teaching me that!

Now I just woke up from a really long night's sleep, with only a 2 hour break in the middle, and I'm feeling much better. It's a sunny Monday, J just left for his first day at work (oh yes, he was nervous but he is so brave), and I must unpack. I've been wearing the same clothes for days. :)

But first: read the books! August 4: H for T: yep, good stuff! C to C: deep breath, so wise. I'll write this one out and send it to J for his stressful day today.

from Courage to Change 4 August

I can certainly learn from criticism, and I want to remain open to hearing what others have to say, but neither my popularity nor my ability to please those I live and work with are legitimate measures of my worth as an individual. Al-Anon helps me to recognize that I have value simply because I breathe the breath of humanity. As I gain self-esteem, I find it easier to evaluate my behavior more realistically.

The support I get in Alanon helps me to find the courage to learn about myself. As I come to feel at home with myself and my values, my likes and dislikes, my dreams and choices, I am increasingly able to risk other people's disapproval. I am equally able to honor others when they choose to be themselves, whether or not I like what I see.

Today's Reminder

With the help of a loving Sponsor and the support of my fellow Al-Anon members, I am learning to find my place in this world - a place where I can live with dignity and self-respect.

"I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware I sit content, and if each and all be aware I sit content." Walt Whitman

That Walt, he's still so rad!

love ya